Serendipity.

It has been a long time since I’ve last posted on Tumblr, and I can surely say that I’ve come a long way since then.
My last few posts give the impression that by now, I must be a much bigger and better person than I was then, since it seems to be the apparent trend. But to be honest, I’ve regressed into a person that I’m not particularly proud of.

It took a lot for me to acknowledge this fact, and I am not proud of it, in the slightest. I think it’s time that I step out, look at myself, and ask, “What on earth am I doing?” And most importantly… WHY?

This summer, as many know, I was “spiritually resuscitated” and began building a very solid, strong relationship with God. It changed my perspective, my outlook on just about everything. I was finally transforming into the person that I had been trying so hard to become. I, the biggest pessimist in the world, suddenly loved everything in life, and nothing could bring me down. Absolutely nothing. Nothing bothered me, for many of my life’s annoyances were simply ways for me to get closer to God and for Him to teach me lessons of patience, kindness, love, and all that good stuff. There was no failure, and I felt as though I were invincible. My goal was to follow God and get closer to Him, and surely, God made that possible for me when I had the desire to do so.

I felt this closeness with God for a relatively long time. It wasn’t just a one-week post-campmeeting spiritual high. It was real. I felt God everywhere and saw him working all around me.
Soon, I got baptized with my mom in late October. Not long after, however, things started to go downhill.

I did not expect this to happen. It caught me off guard. The feeling of invincibility had become commonplace, and my conscious efforts to communicate with God gradually died down. It seems normal, yet, I didn’t feel like it should’ve happened to me. As this was happening, I grew worried and began to sink, and from there, things became progressively worse.
I was becoming much more pessimistic. I wasn’t the nicest, nor was I the happiest. I began to complain about my life. My relationships began to worsen. I watched as my life slipped out of my hands. I felt helpless. I was annoyed, and I KNEW that it was my fault for not letting God take control of it.
I needed to mend my relationship with God, for I did not want my actions to serve as a misrepresentation of His love and goodness.
I began to feel pressured to be extra “righteous” after my baptism, and I felt like I had to watch my every step. I placed these burdens upon myself, because I knew that everyone was aware of my relationship with God and were probably going to judge God on my actions.

Finally, I couldn’t take it all anymore, and I hid. I suppressed my spirituality for the time being, so that people would not associate someone as terrible as myself, with someone as great as God. But while hiding from people, I began to hide from God as well. I slowly detached myself from everyone and everything around me, somehow convinced through the process that this was going to make everything better. How foolish I was to do such a thing, looking at where it put me now.

I put on a facade, the very act that I despise with a passion. This did not work out so well. I tried to deceive myself and those around me to think that everything was fine and dandy. I didn’t want people to know that I had let my relationship with God slip away, because I didn’t want them to think that it was God’s fault and turn away as they watched me on my spiritual journey. If people knew that I wasn’t feeling very close to God, but saw me giving talks about how great God is and how we need to walk closer with Him, I would’ve been seen as a hypocrite with words of little value. And at this point, I found myself more frustrated, ready to give up and run away for good. Though I wouldn’t be making a positive difference, at least I wouldn’t be making a negative one, I thought.

I tumbled through each day, thoughtlessly going through the motions, anxious for it to be over. I felt like something was off, something definitely was not right. I was uncomfortable and uptight, but I didn’t really want to do anything about it anymore. Each day, a new problem piled on, but I carried on, dragging my baggage with me.

This was actually working out for me. But in the last couple of weeks, I began to realize the sheer ridiculousness of my behavior. I stopped feeling close to anyone. I was afraid to tell anyone about the way I had been feeling up to this point, because then people would know that I had been faking it for a good month or two. Because of this, the people I had once considered my closest friends became no more than acquaintances. I had no one to talk to, no one that I felt would be genuinely interested in the state that I was in. At first, this bothered me, but I realized that I brought it upon myself, and I shouldn’t expect anyone to really care about me in their busy lives. God is always here for me; I know it wholeheartedly. But I had run away from God, and had forgotten how to really talk to Him. So I couldn’t turn there, nor did I want to try, because I was too ashamed.
I felt an extreme and inexplicable loneliness. A feeling of depression swept over me as I finally brought this to my attention. I felt complete isolation, and I knew that I was responsible for this mess.

To be completely honest, I still feel this way.
Reflecting back, I realize that my main problem was my obsession of defining myself through others’ judgements, a road to self-destruction.
I know that I got myself here and it’s time to get out now. I am going to fight my urge to hide, to run, to look down upon myself. I need to break things apart and rebuild from the bottom. I am going to do my best to mend my relationship with God, and get on the right track.
I can’t stand this any longer. I am ready to change, and determined to make it happen.

11/19/11.

Today, we had our first family worship.
I had been wanting to have one for a while, but never really got around to it.
But thankfully, I have an awesome brother, and he decided to put one together. It was so adorable to see. He was so excited! He made a flow chart and told me what was going to be happening. He had a spot for prayer, scripture reading, singing, and devotions.
It was a lot of fun and some good family bonding time. I don’t usually do things like this with my family and feel rather uncomfortable opening up to my parents or even praying in front of them for some reason. But thanks to my brother, our family now has another opportunity to really get close. He plans to have this every Sabbath if not more, and I am so excited. :)

I am so very thankful for my brother. I am so mean to him sometimes, and I do not appreciate him enough. I don’t spend nearly enough time with him, and I too often shed him off when he’s trying to do nice things for me.
But tonight made me realize how good of a kid this little guy is, and how lucky I am to have a brother like him.
How lucky am I to have a brother who always wants to take care of me and our family, and without hesitation, portrays God’s love for the world to see?
In all honesty, a big reason that I wasn’t assertive about having family worship time was because I didn’t want to take my parents’ time for work. I was kind of afraid to ask.. But to see my brother just say, “I want to have worship! Everyone, it’s worship time. Let’s go!” And to see him feel no fear in doing God’s work, to go through all means possible, so innocently and purely to instill a loving environment in our family, is so admirable. He feels no shame, no worries, and does anything his little heart compels him to do. He’s so young, yet, he leads our family through God.

I am so fortunate to have a little brother like John- a boy so connected with God, so willing to do anything for Him. He’s always willing to help me out, calms me, watches over me, and never fails to make me laugh.
I love my brother, he is the best!
My life is so much better because I have him, and I take him for granted, much too often. I will try to spend more time with him before I leave for college.
*Sigh* I don’t know what I will do without my brother.
But no matter where I am, I know that he’ll always be my life’s biggest inspiration!

I am proud to say that I am a week away from finishing the first quarter of my senior year!
It’s crazy to think about how fast time has gone by. In 3 more quarters, I will be off to college.
This quarter probably has been the most meaningful of my high school experience.
God has really been an active part in my life in the last couple of months, and it has made all the difference.

It was rather counter-intuitive to take time in my busy life to continue in devoting my time to God and to relax in quiet time with Him. But I realized that once I really committed time to my devotions, all aspects of my life just became better.
It is the highlight of my day, and having a time where God can really speak to me and getting reassurance from him after a rough day has brought me much peace.

I have learned to stress less and trust God with my life. I do still have my moments of wanting complete control, but He quickly lets me realize that having Him take care of me is much better. I don’t think I could be getting through all my school obligations on my own. God has helped me to not worry so much all the time and to just relax. And relaxing isn’t half as bad as I imagined it would be. :)
And my life is still more than taken care of! I’ve been doing MUCH better than I could have done on my own and getting things done much more efficiently, and I know that it is all because God has become my number one priority.
Of course, I still struggle. I still stress. But in those moments, God seems to show me just what I need in order to remind me that HE is there for me, and that HE will take care of me. No words could fully express my gratitude.

God has brought me closer to many great friends, especially Caitlin and Rachel. It has been really great spending Sabbaths with them and just having friends to go to when I am in need. Rachel, I thank you SO much for always calming me down and letting God speak through you to me. I am so excited to see what we will accomplish together. :) You guys are the best.
With my friends, God has helped me truly experience the joy that comes with His Ministry. A lot of great things have happened and I had my spiritual “aha-moment” in that it is true that the greatest happiness is brought when we allow God to work through us.

God has improved my relationship with my family tremendously. I have gotten so much closer to John and seeing his spirituality and zeal encourages me.
My relationship with my mom has improved tremendously. I used to be so immature and would fight with her all the time, and the few times we would talk would be to argue. But now, I feel that I am truly connected to her and it is great to see that she has rekindled her relationship with God. I love my mom so much and I now realize truly, how great of a blessing she is to me. Now we talk to each other about everything and finally have the mother-daughter relationship that we’ve longed for. I thank God so much for bringing us together.

Throughout this year, I have truly felt God’s Presence in my life. My life has drastically improved, and I have taken so many steps toward him through the challenges of this year.
I have finally felt that I am ready to be baptized and show that I am willing to follow God for the rest of my life, because it is the greatest.
I am really looking forward to it and I am so happy that my mom has decided to make this commitment with me. :)
Getting baptized with my mom will be a very memorable experience, and I thank God for arranging everything to work out the way it has.

As I reflect, I am reminded of all the prayers that God has answered and blessed me with. I still have my moments, but in the end, He always seems to remind me in some way that it is all going to be okay. And this is just the best thing ever. :)
I can’t wait to see how this year will end, and hope that I will keep on having a meaningful senior year.

-The End.

I honestly can’t believe that I am a senior already and that school starts tomorrow.
It will probably feel like jumping from shore after taking a nice long nap to a super high waterfall into very rapid and rocky waters. Hopefully, I will survive. (:
My summer has been pretty well spent, though I wasted many hours idly and spent the majority of my afternoons on Facebook.
Overall, I had a really fun time, worked quite a bit, met a lot of great people, was spiritually resuscitated, and actually took a step into the person I want to become.
More than I’ve ever accomplished in a summer I’d say.

Senior year is definitely not going to be a breeze, but it will surely be a rewarding year. With no study halls and a packed schedule of rather difficult courses, it will probably be more challenging than my previous high school years. Hopefully, I will be able to withstand it.
I am really excited for band and choir. Excited to be ASB’s religious vice. Excited for all the football and basketball tournaments and the many other memory making events that have yet to come. :)
I feel pretty ready for school and am pretty excited. But I am sure I will have my moments, as always.
I just hope that our class will be able to lead the school in a positive way and bring us all closer together, not because we have to be because our campus is so small, but because we actually like each other.
I hope to make lots of memories and good friends. (:
It’s gonna be a great year!

-The End.

PUC Campmeeting this year was a very worthwhile experience.

I felt much more stress than I usually undergo regarding camp meeting. I was going as a counselor, which I was excited for, but I actually had to prepare for something.
My mom and brother had also been planning on going with me, so I had to make sure that everything was going to work out for them.
I had decided to put off packing until the day of campmeeting. I guess it makes things more exciting? I barely checked off the last item on my list before rushing out the door. This time, we decided to try a new route that would only take 2 hrs and 45 mins, because the previous 3 hour route was just 15 minutes too long. -__- Somehow, we got lost. Actually, I know how. But that’s not important. All I remember is that we went through the windiest of all roads, some unpaved, and through the most barren of all lands. We took the “road less traveled”…And it was really, super scary. At least we know not to go that way now. Anyhow, we eventually got to PUC after about 4 hours.
In all honesty, the mood at PUC seemed so dead in the beginning. It was depressing.
The Jr. High department finally got together. I was super excited! Finally, something that would instill some livelihood in me. But when I got there, it seemed as though there were as many counselors as kids. It was quite opposite of the way I had pictured it.
Our group had 5 kids. All but one of them seemed very reserved and a bit unenthusiastic.
However, all this was a very inaccurate depiction of what my week actually turned out to be.

I was partnered with Sam Han. He was THE BEST partner I could ever hope for. Who knew that we could get along so well? Us Hurricaned Mangos, I can proudly say, were the one of the best. My kids were super well-behaved, attentive, and we all really enjoyed being with each other. I felt like we really connected and I have never won 1st in all my years of being a student or counselor, so that was definitely something to be remembered. :)
I had amazing roommates. Hannah, Krystal, Joanne, and Pastor Junie, plus the other girls on the other side of the bathroom. We all got along so well, talked late and woke up late together every morning. (: We bonded well and we all learned many things through the wise words of P.Junie.
The staff members for Jr. High were all really great. I felt like all of the counselors were dedicated and so were all the members of the praise team. All of us had a lot of fun together, I connected with old friends, met new ones, and I felt that we uplifted each others’ PUC experiences.
We had so many moments to remember. I’m glad that we do embarrassing things sometimes, or almost all the time, because that is how most great memories are made.
I will for real, not rap ever again, especially not against a freestylin’ master. I will probably not play 가위-바위-보 again for a while, at least not with charlatans who know my secret to winning. I will also have difficulty overcoming my trauma from a gummy bear incident, good thing I don’t like the red flavor. I will play UnblockMe more so I can get good and beat the whole level for myself instead of jumping in at the end and taking credit for another’s hard work. (: The Mulan song will always be our God version in my head, thank you to those who helped me memorize. It was all worth it! Yay, second place! I definitely will not mess with Sarah or Joanne after sundown. o_O And I can’t wait to revisit the places in St. Helena with everyone. 
There is so much more that I can’t list right now. But basically, PUC Jr. High Department was the best. :)

Last but most definitely not least,
I felt like I got a new perspective and understanding on my relationship with God.
Not the feeling of the “spiritual high” but a feeling that has more of a lasting feel to it. It was a good break from my day to day life where I have constantly been pushing God aside, and switching gears to focusing on Him.
The difficulty and disconnection I have been feeling for so long I feel is now starting to resolve and I am starting to see now the effect that God has had on my life that I overlooked so confidently in doubt.
My feeling of loneliness, the feeling that there was a missing element between my relationship with him and everybody else is slowly fading, and I feel so relieved.
How could He care about me when I’m like an ant relative to him? I could not love an ant, for all of them look the same to me.. And they are just EVERYWHERE, so many of them that none really need to be taken care of. But also, in that reasoning, what I realized was that I had held on to and treated something so false as a maxim: that God acts and thinks just as we do. But the things God does and His ways are truly unfathomable to us.
How did I happen to stumble across this life-changing thought through this year’s camp meeting? I honestly do not know. If anything, I was feeling more indifferent than ever and was not expecting even a spiritual high out of this. It wasn’t a sudden epiphany that I had out of no where. There was no booming voice calling out to me, nor was there a huge miracle where manna fell from the sky.  But gradually, He revealed just what I needed, to me. When I felt so irritated at my way of life and could not stand it for any longer, and when I was most susceptible to change, He guided me.
Why I was so insistent on counseling at camp meeting, why I did the things I did, I met who I did, and how I began talking to Pastor Junie seemed very arbitrary at the time. But now, I see that everything happened for a reason.
And truly, I thank God for all of this and hope that I will not be shaken.

Thank you for everyone who made this year’s camp meeting so fun and meaningful :)
I will miss you guys and can’t wait to see everybody again!

-The end.

If I give up, I will never find out what I am truly capable of. I believe that to be true in every aspect.

Maybe it’s the ability to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt after giving up, that gives us security in giving up. Instead of having to say “I tried but failed”, we can now say “I tried. But I chose to stop trying. I probably could have done it if I wanted to.”
But if we truly try our best, give all that we have, we most often come to obtain the right to say, “I tried. I failed. But ultimately, I succeeded.”

Trying cannot be measured by any other means than the result and output-success or failure, induced by the input effort. If this fact is taken advantage of, then it is now made an excuse. Such as when we say “Well, I tried!” or saying “I will try!”, we give ourselves a nice safety net, in hopes of redeeming ourselves from being the unhelpful, inconsiderate, unreliable, and pathetic people it may obviously appear to be. The thought process of, “Failure is a result of trying. Thus I will ‘try’ and fail”, allows us to not give any thought to a problem while making it appear the same way things do when we try our absolute hardest.
Instead of breaking promises, making excuses, and evading to overcome any obstacles, we should really work to fix them if it works toward the greater good. It is always rewarding in the end, somehow or another.
If we keep running from our problems, we will soon find ourselves cornered with no where left to run.. And that is a place I don’t think I ever want to find myself in.
It’s always a difficult balance in running straight at a problem and running far, far away from it. Either of them can be very detrimental.
So… I guess finding the balance will be my new challenge.

Dear my super cool brother, John.

Happy 13th birthday!
I have enjoyed sharing these many years with you.
You have been a better brother than I could have ever imagined and make my life so much better!
You cheer me up when I am sad or angry by all the hilarious things you say. You pray for me when I am sick or injured and make sure I get better. And when I am gone, you are the one who checks on me. You make sure I take care of myself and promise that I will be home by at least 11 pm, even when mom’s sleeping and doesn’t even realize that I’m not home. You are the only brother I know who gives his sister a call every 15 minutes, wondering where she is and threatening to ground her if she doesn’t get back home in time. And I am so thankful to have a little brother so smart and caring as you. :)
I know I ground you and make you do a load of math work, keep you from watching too much TV, and other things that you enjoy. But thank you for always listening to me and knowing that it’s for your own good. Not many boys can think that way when they’re being punished!
Of anyone I know, you have gone through the most and have overcome the greatest obstacles. The doctors said you would only live til you were 8 or 10 years old. But look at you now; you are a strong and healthy teenager!
You are such a cheerful young man, who always sees the positive end of things, when things seem terrible to most. You have such a big heart and love God very much.
I am so proud of the man you are becoming. You are my hero! (:

I am so happy and thankful to have a brother like you. You are the best. I love you!
Happy birthday.

With much love,
Your sister, Helen.

I have decided that I really admire people who are bluntly honest, yet not rudely so. Although a lot of the time, they come across as insolent, very rude/ill-mannered, and as people not to be taken seriously, what they’re doing is very brave and makes the world a more real, and easier place to live in. When they like something, they say so. When they don’t, they voice that opinion. They know and do what they like, they stick to what they believe in, and everyone knows it. I admire people who can not care about what other people think at all, and just do what they want. The small group of people I talk about sound everything BUT admirable. They seem like just a rude group of teenagers who care about nothing else but themselves… Yet, what they do is courageous in a way and so real, so fresh, at least from my point of view. Everyone else tries to form to what is “acceptable” and strives for the expected; it is so boring. Not to mention that anyone who tries to be this way has to play two different people in certain settings, although some act much more drastically than others. Nevertheless, it’s fake. If we all cut the act, then life would be easier for everyone. However, that’s something that cannot realistically be changed and I’d be dreaming up my own utopia again.
I wish we could confront people with problems without having it made a huge deal. It would be nice to just go up to someone and tell them how you honestly feel, take a negative step to reach a positive one, and have it be “acceptable”. But it’s not. And trying to trip someone up by acting like their best friend is. People don’t do or say anything to stop this kind of behavior, rather only when someone is honestly saying what is bothering them does anything happen. It’s just the way things are I guess. But it makes life so much difficult, significantly more so actually, at least for me. Maybe people like the dramatized life. I don’t know. Who knows why we do the things we do.
I guess I find being with straight-forward and “rude” people to be very refreshing. I enjoy their presence because they are truthful and real, even when they don’t present things in the nicest way possible.
Am I like them? No. I am very conscious of what people think of me. But I am working against it. I guess it could be looked at as back tracking in my social development, but I don’t think so. I hate superficiality, the fake smiles, the fake friends, and losing check with what is actually real. The superficiality is extraneous and is not necessary in anyway; there is no excuse for it.
Respectful yet real. It is a difficult but rewarding balance. I will try for it, probably fail a bunch of times in hopes to reach it, but at least I will know that I am heading in the right direction. And that is more than I could hope for in a lot of things.

-The End.

Sometimes, life can be frustrating. Very frustrating.
Sometimes, people can be frustrating.
I wish it wasn’t so. But I feel like that’s the way things are, with no way around it.
Why don’t people look out for each other anymore? Stand up for each other? Why do we do so many things that are intended to hurt rather than heal for our own gratification? We ignore, run, lie, arouse jealousy and hatred, take vengeance, etc.. All for what? To prove that we are better? This deteriorates solid relationships, makes bad ones even worse.. And I don’t know why we do it. It hurts both the victim and predator. Yet, so many of us are inclined to act this way.
I have been hurt too many times, I have hurt others too many times, and it’s just making me angry now. I am tired of it all. I try to run from it, but it follows me everywhere. And why don’t people stand against this when someone they love is victimized? Every man for himself, I thought, was seldom the better solution. Maybe people know it’s not; maybe it’s just the easier way out.
When people see wrong done, why don’t they feel the urge to make it right anymore?
All this, is thoroughly annoying and getting to me more than ever.

Caution: I am venting.
I have not posted much on Tumblr in a while, and I felt like writing somethings down today.

Lately, I have become more and more aware of my pet peeves. I have come to realize that so many things bother me, it’s terrible. Because of this, I have not been able to live very many peaceful days in the past couple of months. Maybe I just need more sleep or something, who knows. But I really need to change.

I hate miscommunication. Better put, I hate it when people misunderstand me. I especially dislike it when people pretend to understand what I’m saying when it’s apparent that they do not. I hate putting forth effort to express myself in order to unleash the frustration, then come to find out that I was not understood at all. I do not like it when people nod and act like they get what I am saying, because that solves nothing. I dislike it when people ask what is wrong, listen and decide they are not interested, and make me feel worse afterward.
I strongly dislike it when I tell someone why I feel a certain way about something, and they understand and act like they’re going to do something to help it, but don’t. I hate it when people say they will do things, but don’t because it’s difficult. I hate it when people just “try”, and not actually DO.
It bothers me when I am trying to express a thought to someone because they asked, and then have it be shot down.

I apologize that this post is just about things I “hate…hate…hate..” But these are things that have really been bothering me. Ironically enough, I got a fortune in a cookie the other day saying, “People make language so they can complain.” I guess I’m proving that to be true.
I am just frustrated and am tired of always trying to say the same thing over and over, wasting my energy and time.

Another thing I dislike is when I cannot count on close people to stand up for me, ever. Maybe it’s just me who is bothered by people harassing or mistreating the people close to me and feel like doing something about it. I just cannot understand how some people get away with the stuff they do. Oh well. Life works this way, and if it’s not changing, then I guess I must.

I feel kind of bad sounding like this. Don’t get me wrong, I know my life is relatively, pretty good. I know I have caring people, who at least try to understand my complicated self. But everyday annoyances and such have really started to bother me. And sometimes, I do not know what to do. I understand that everything could be different if I were. But I am not. And that just makes things 23895839012x more difficult.

-The end.